Fear to Fearless
My shoulders were so tight and tense they were literally parallel with my ears. I was driving home from work. Home damn it! I shouldn’t have been more stressed to go home than I was to go to work. The whole 45 minute commute, my mind was filled with fearful thoughts. Crap the cable bill is overdue. How many weeks did I figure out I could go without paying them and not worry that they would disconnect me? Ok, I still had 3 days. S***, I need to call and reinstate my student loan deferment otherwise that will be 60 days overdue and then they’ll report it to my credit report. I hope the deferment works because if it doesn’t and I pay them I won’t be able to pay cable. Great! 3 days…that’s when the mortgage is due (more like that’s when the grace period is up).
Looking at the dash of the car, the f’n gas light comes on. Tears flowed from my eyes. Stop crying! I am sick of crying! I pulled over and scoured the car and my purse for change. Mydebit card had nothing in it until the 15th (next pay day) and it was only the 12th. More fearful thoughts, what if I don’t have enough change for gas to get home? How am I going to fill my tank to get to work until the 15th? If I can’t get to work, I won’t be able to put in my hours.
Bills, overdue, money, my credit score, these were words that ran through my head a gillizion times a day. How am I going to pay this? Steal from Peter to pay Paul, credit card transfers, and anything else to give me an extra day to pay something that I really couldn’t pay. It was a vicious cycle that had me crying, tense, and stressed beyond belief on a daily basis. Going to the mailbox to get the mail happened on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. Resulting in piles of mail that I was too f’n scared to open. I was getting skinny to the point that people thought I was anorexic. All I wanted to do was sleep when I got home. I couldn’t (or felt like I couldn’t) talk to my friends and family about my problems. I was embarrassed. I was terrified. I was fearful.
That was two years of my life. They were two excruciatingly long years. It ended a little over a year ago. I am no longer fearful of a silly credit score. I am no longer worried about receiving mail. I actually enjoy receiving it now. I am not worried about bills that I cannot pay, because they do not exist. Once I realized my once precious credit score of 760, finances, and the act of acquiring and maintaining possessions were all a big game and a charade I realized there was no longer a reason to be fearful. I became FEARLESS. Trust me fearless is a much better way to live.